Monday, June 11, 2012

True Confessions of a Lost Soul on the Run

Tonight's run called for a 4 mile base pace run. 8:03 - 8:38 range. Sounds simple, but I can make even simple not so simple. I have made a life out of complicating simple. Mile 1, 7:55, oops too fast, slow down. But my mind races. The recent death of 24 year old basketball coach, a young man from my home town, I know his parents. He had a bright future, taken in an auto accident last week. Mile 2, 7:43, my mind is still racing. Here I am 55 and not a clue. I have so few skills that matter in today's world. Sure I am a nice guy, I am kind to people. I like to help out, but that even seems to annoy some. Mile 3, 7:30, slow down, you can't even get this running thing right.Lately I have been isolating myself. Distancing myself from the only groups I feel comfortable in. Is it me or is it them. I feel like I don't fit. I have felt that way a million times before. Mile 4, 7:24, okay, push it, it is okay.You obviously have it in you tonight. What the heck. Mile 5, 7:13, so much for base pace.

Tonight so much rushed through my head. I have felt as though I am falling out of the Loop so to speak. I am not blogging as often, nor am I being read. I am to serious and a square peg in a round world. I don't fit. Never really have. I have figured out that people are right, I talk too much. The bad thing is that is supposedly my strength. At the same time apparently a weakness. I am 55 and Lost. No skills to speak of. I am okay in Little "B"s world so that is good. I am a good wagon puller and miniature train rider. But, no computer skills, no real world skills, no Masters, no Doctorate. Wow, how can so much rush through ones mind in a short 5 mile run?

Then another issue hits. On the Loop and face book a recent fury regarding running and heart health. I even shared a recent Doctors opinion that we may be better off running shorter, faster intervals. I was amazed, not that most comments disagreed, but that most appeared blind to the articles content. It did not say do nothing. Sit on the sofa and eat chips, yet almost every comment said something like I am better off running than sitting on the sofa eating chips doing nothing. I was blown away. It was as though I had attacked people. Never my intent. Then I read another  blog and saw overwhelming supportive comments to the support of Marathoning and ultra running. It was then that it hit me. I once again didn't, or don't fit. I don't run to push the envelope and see how far I can take it. I run to live longer. I run so that in 20 years I can still be here to take care of "B". He is 13 now, but will need care his entire life. I want to still be here at 75 offering him the best care I can at 33. I also want to see my grand children, to enjoy my grown adult children. I am competitive as the day is long. I have ran 9 Marathons and have numbers 10, 11 and 12 on the schedule. I have ran tow in 3:05 and wanted so badly to break 3:00. But I run to prolong life, not push the envelope. I used to think running defined me. I now know my father and mother helped define me. God defines me. Running just happens to be where my character shows through. My persistence, my grit, my work ethic, my stubbornness. It is where I find God. Call me a hypocrite, but I can't stand the church. God speaks to me when I run. Maybe the old saying everything in moderation is the key.

Brandon came into my life about 9 years ago, we adopted him. Some say he is lucky, if his first three years on earth are luck I want none of it. He was in a living hell. Totally neglected to near death. He is a blessing. He helps me to find my worth. Yes, I talk too much, it annoys people. Not "B". He loves me anyway. He is the true definition of unconditional love. He places no conditions on us, he just loves us. Is he a lot of work, you bet. But so am I.

I don't know where this blog is going. It is a work in progress. It isn't pretty. I don't know how to work all the fancy gizmo's. I am a work in progress. Wow, all this emotion flowing out of one 5 mile run. I wish my mind were less complex. More conforming. I wish I was a round peg in a round world. I just wish I fit in. Perhaps that is why St. Jude is my favorite Saint.